it's all falling into place.

I'm starting to understand. well. I guess you could say I understood before, at least I thought I did, but it's coming even more clear to me now. my thoughts are going to fast for my hands to type. this is amazing. and my Jesus is incredible. this is real. my relationship with Him & everything. it's coming even more alive than it was before. and it's sad to think of all the years I wasted so far from Him, doing so many things that I thought made me feel alive. but they really didn't, they just numbed the fire that I had hidden inside me. but now, I feel like nothing will quench this flame, ever. and the things I went through the past few years, were they really wasted? because I grew from them in so many ways. regretted? sometimes. but without them, I would never be where I am now. I might have been in the same place physically, but not spiritually or emotionally. the failures I experienced only caused me to try harder, and the pain, well it pushed me to my knees at the feet of Christ. I faught it for so many years, but He kept desperately pursuing me, only for me to push Him away and try to find my way on my own. but that never works of course. perfection is unattainable. is that what I was seeking? in some ways. but I have found undignified honesty. and the most amazing security in it. and He never stopped pursuing me. I was suffocated without Him. something was missing, and that sad part was that I knew what it was. there were times when I tried to completely shut Him out, but inside I knew He was there. and had a phenomenal job for me to do for Him. and this is only the begining. life's waiting to begin. and I guess it's just something inside of me that knows that something is about to break. and change. and shift. into what He has called me to do. because now I know this is real. and something I have never experienced before. and I'm ready. it's all on the table in front of Him. surrendered.

oh & I'm painting. I might post pictures when I'm done xD