desperation.

speechless. images speak louder than words. watch this.

it's all falling into place.

I'm starting to understand. well. I guess you could say I understood before, at least I thought I did, but it's coming even more clear to me now. my thoughts are going to fast for my hands to type. this is amazing. and my Jesus is incredible. this is real. my relationship with Him & everything. it's coming even more alive than it was before. and it's sad to think of all the years I wasted so far from Him, doing so many things that I thought made me feel alive. but they really didn't, they just numbed the fire that I had hidden inside me. but now, I feel like nothing will quench this flame, ever. and the things I went through the past few years, were they really wasted? because I grew from them in so many ways. regretted? sometimes. but without them, I would never be where I am now. I might have been in the same place physically, but not spiritually or emotionally. the failures I experienced only caused me to try harder, and the pain, well it pushed me to my knees at the feet of Christ. I faught it for so many years, but He kept desperately pursuing me, only for me to push Him away and try to find my way on my own. but that never works of course. perfection is unattainable. is that what I was seeking? in some ways. but I have found undignified honesty. and the most amazing security in it. and He never stopped pursuing me. I was suffocated without Him. something was missing, and that sad part was that I knew what it was. there were times when I tried to completely shut Him out, but inside I knew He was there. and had a phenomenal job for me to do for Him. and this is only the begining. life's waiting to begin. and I guess it's just something inside of me that knows that something is about to break. and change. and shift. into what He has called me to do. because now I know this is real. and something I have never experienced before. and I'm ready. it's all on the table in front of Him. surrendered.

oh & I'm painting. I might post pictures when I'm done xD

I cannot live; unless you do this with me.

I need release. creativity. expression of emotion through something tangible. is it possible to be addicted to that? and art. to convey a meaning, a message, through something someone can see. I've found myself having an obsession with that lately. to pick up a pen and write. or to splatter colored ink across a canvas. or design something on the computer. anything. it's like something inside of me needs that, to feel fufilled almost. something - anything; to show the grace and love of our savior, that is too graphic to words. speaking of which, I have an amazing book recommendation. the ragamuffin gospel: visual edition.

freaking incredible and moving. and the most amazing graphics I have ever seen. totally inspiring. I was like in love with it when I saw it, haha. anyways. yesterday was amazing. too amazing for words. there was so much adrenaline leading up into it, and it was totally worth it. it's amazing to finally have a relationship with God. something real and tangible. and it's sad that not many people really know what that's like, to have true life in christ. and that's why there's elevation, haha. I hate being at a loss for words. it seems like every time I go to blog, I can't think of anything, but every other time I have so many thoughts that won't leave my head. maybe I'll post later tonight.



oh, and go see across the universe. seriously the most amazing movie I have seen in a long time. super artsy and creative. and the beatles songs were redone kinda, and totally awesome. haha, I've been telling everyone to see it. so go see it. I've had the soundtrack spinning all week. haha, okay and I'm back. an hour later to post more. I feel indecisive tonight. I'm listening to angels & airwaves. I forgot how good they were. and they're making me think of like sophomore and junior year of highschool. it's weird how certain music or certain things can bring back up memories. and it's weird to think about how I was so naive then of where I would be now. I almost can't comprehend it, how amazing out God is, and how he knew I would be here now. if you told me a few years ago I would be here and a part of this church and being this blessed, I would have thought you were crazy. but I guess that's just how God works. I have a super long post coming soon, maybe tommorrow :D